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I recently mentioned how I was planning to read and review Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance by Ellen Walker. Today is the day for that review, so I hope you will read on out of curiosity and participate in the discussion!
Our nation has an obsession with motherhood. Babies are much like an additional accessory to celebrity mothers, with little thought to the responsibility and attention a child requires. Marriages are sadly shoved aside when the focus is “all about the children” and leave little to the relationship after the last bird has flown the coop. Although many parents find extreme fulfillment through raising little ones, it is still a significant time commitment. Perhaps that is the reason more couples are ending up childfree.
Ms. Walker’s definition of childfree is,
Being free to put your energy into endeavors other than raising children.
Couples are considered childfree by three different sets of circumstances.
1. Childfree by Happenstance
Couples may plan on having children, but were either so caught up in their careers or hobbies that “it just never happened”.
2. Childfree by Choice
These are the couples who have talked about children and have decided not to have them, for a variety of reasons, such as not wanting the responsibility, not having a nurturing or motherly instinct, or because they want to put their energies into other activities.
3. Childfree by Chance
These couples want to have children but are physically unable to do so.
No matter how husband’s and wives end up being childfree, each couple has a unique road ahead of them, full of both positives and negatives.
Being childfree allows a couple to,
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- Focus more on their marriage.
- Travel to less kid-friendly destinations.
- Go out on spur-of-the-moment dates.
- Pursue careers, especially for the women.
- Be more financially secure.
- Spend more time on personal hobbies.
- Find opportunities to help out others in the community or family members, financially or otherwise.
Being childfree also has its drawbacks,
- Many friendships fall apart once other couples begin having children.
- Couples often “feel alone” and like they “don’t fit in” because social conversations often revolve around updates on each others children.
- Constant pressure from others to have children.
- Often seen as selfish individuals or perceived to dislike children.
- Discrimination by the gov’t come tax time with tax credits.
- Discrimination in the workplace because they have to cover for co-workers with sick children.
- Extra planning for the future – who will take care of the couple when they are old and who will be the beneficiaries of their estate?
- Missing the “little moments” that make parents smile and say it’s worth it.
I believe the entire concept of this book can be summed up in one of Ms. Walkers’ quotes,
Parenting ought to be an option rather than an obligation. ~ pg. 46
While I do appreciate some of the points made in Complete Without Kids, I feel Ms. Walker wrote this book only to validate her own decision to remain childfree. The subtitle implies this publication is “an insider’s guide”, but it wasn’t filled with brilliant writing and childfree tips as I originally would have thought. Instead, Ms. Walker uses multiple stories to back up her claims and many of the couples are used repeatedly throughout the book, only in different circumstances.
Socially, I have to agree with her assessment of life predominantly revolving around a couple’s children. I have personally experienced the frustration and disappointment of friends changing once they’ve given birth. Their priorities are different, and rightfully so, but they also leave little time to keep friendships alive with those who cannot contribute to a play date.
One final thought I would like to mention is Paul’s words in 1 Corinthian’s 7 about celebrating the freedom one has to serve the Lord without a spouse. Would not the same line of thought be applied to a married couple without children? There are many ministry opportunities one can have as a childfree couple, including the freedom to say yes to a volunteer opportunity without concern for childcare, or to go on a third world country missions trip without worrying about diseases affecting a little baby.
Although I appreciated the opportunity to review this book, Complete Without Kids will probably not end up resting on my bookshelf. I have two copies of this book to giveaway though, so if you are interested in reading Complete Without Kids for yourself, please contact me and I will ship one out to you!
Your Turn:
What do you think of the childfree concept?
Do you view childfree couples any differently then those with children?
Further Reading:
Regarding Mother’s Day by Radical Womanhood
- A well-balanced article debunking motherhood as a sole means of identity.
Motherhood as a Calling by Desiring God
- On the other side, this article represents motherhood as a means of sacrifice to your children.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book for free from Greenleaf Book Group for the purpose of review. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
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Excellent review! It sounds like you have the spirit of the author well scoped.
I will tuck the book away in my memory bank (a scary thought) for possible reference when a couple experiences the grief of not being able to have children. It sounds as though it would give them an ability to look for the opportunities rather than grieve the things which are out of reach. In fact, in might even be good for pastors whose ministries have not been filled with “newborns.”
I was especially grabbed by the observation “Couples often ‘feel alone’ and like they ‘don’t fit in’ because social conversations often revolve around updates on each others children.”
That particular aloneness is also felt by fathers WITH children. I don’t know, but it seems as though men “let go” of their children earlier and more clearly than women. That’s a broad statement, of course, and should not be taken to refer to men who are always too busy for their kids in childhood or later. What I mean is, once the children are grown men find themselves alone in conversations where they sit and listen to the moms rehearse the details (and I mean d-e-t-a-i-l-s) of the latest achievements in the lives of the kids. It gets worse when they find themselves judged as not caring because they are not up to the same level of awareness. So, if a man (or more likely, his wife) reads that book it may help him understand from something familiar to him what the childless couples of his congregation experience.
Thanks for a good springboard for thought.
hhcomings recently posted..Now THIS is a Picture of a "Worship Event"
I never thought of the loneliness of the fathers before. Thank you for bringing that point to my attention. It is so important to make sure the father’s are not feeling “left out” and that the wife shows interest in what her husband enjoys.
That’s too bad she used a good opportunity to uplift people to validate her decision, especially when some people cannot physically have children though may want them. I love our girls, but I love what little time I get away from them too (haha maybe too much). I can definitely see a multitude of good things for being child-free. It is difficult even as a mom myself to talk and socialize with parents who are all about their kids. Conversation naturally turns to the children, but I personally yearn to talk about other things too; things that will grow, stretch and inform me. It’s too bad that it is so hard for us to strike a perfect balance. Although to give doting moms some credit, it is hard to have a meaningful conversation when your toddler is interrupting you every 2 seconds to ask why the sky is blue or the grass is green; those moments make me super eager for the birds to leave the nest!
It sounds like you have a real healthy view of your kids. I love talking with people about their kids, but there are other topics too!
We need to get together for lunch or something before you guys leave in December. (Especially since you live closer now!)
Yes, that would be fun to get together!
Some very good observations. I don’t think that anyone should jump to conclusions when encountering a “child-free” couple. Of the three reasons that she listed, the first stand out as the saddest to me. And her take on the last one makes it obvious(?) that she’s not coming from a Scriptural background. As a former “not-wishing-to-be-childfree” father I could take comfort in the fact that our lack of children was not by “chance.”
I also appreciated your final take on the book, and though not having read the book, feel it is probably quite accurate. I began getting that feeling as I read some of the “drawbacks” to child-free living. The one that made me chuckle was “Discrimination by the gov’t come tax time with tax credits.” I suppose to follow that logic, those with children are being discriminated against by having to pay more hospital bills, grocery bills, school bills…etc.
Thanks for the review!
Daniel recently posted..Tis But a Taste…
Yeah……I’m pretty sure each child will cost more than $1,000 per year.
What a great review of a seemingly loaded book. I’m not sure if she mentioned this, but I know of a couple who chose to remain child-free because they would pass on a genetic trait that would be quite detrimental to their children.
The other thing I had to say is in regards to the comment about not contributing to a playdate. I remember when I had the kids and almost none of my friends did. I felt like I was putting them out by needing to bring my kids along to everything because my friends without kids didn’t understand that I had to stop every three hours and feed the baby. I guess I’m just saying that the door swings both ways with that.
Anyways, great job on the review.
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It’s important that those without children also understand more fully what parents encounter. Thank you for sharing.
Malachi 2:15 “Didn’t the LORD make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are His. And what does he want? Godly children from your union.” NLT